December 29

New Year’s Resolutions

My New Year’s Resolutions for 2020 are to not make any resolutions! Why should I make resolutions that I will break within the first month of the new year?

I always get excited about a new year and I make a list of new year’s resolutions and before February of the new year I’ve given up on practically everything on the list.

So this year, for the year 2020, my new year’s resolution is to not make any resolutions!

However, I do plan on making a few promises to myself for the year 2020.

Yeah, I know promises, plans, goals, they are all the same as a resolution. But don’t say that out loud because I’m trying to trick myself into achieving a few things in 2020 without calling them resolutions!

New Year’s Resolutions, that aren’t Resolutions

My new year’s NON-resolutions for 2020 are going to be some promises to myself to do better at some things and to not do a few other things.

Also, I’m determined to leave a few things behind in 2019. The past belongs behind me… in the past. It’s done, over with and gone, I cannot change it, so, therefore, I refuse to dwell on those things any longer.

Things I’m leaving behind in 2019

First I want to list the things that need to stay in the past. I have spent way too much time trying to re-hash my past mistakes. Dwelling on them and overthinking everything I’ve done in the past is not helping me. In fact, it only hurts me and depresses me. Time to move on!

My New Year's Resolutions for 2020 are to not make any resolutions! #journal #journaling #NewYearsResolutions #NewYears2020 #yolo #livingforthemoment #family

Things I’m leaving behind in 2019:

  1. Regrets and “what-ifs”- I’ll no longer dwell on the “what-if” scenarios or have regrets on my past decisions and mistakes. I will stop overthinking everything I’ve done wrong in my past.
  2. Negative people- There will be no place for negative people in my life going forward into 2020. I’ve always tried to uplift and help those around me that are down or negative. But not now, not anymore. Their negativity only brings me down and does not help my depression.
  3. Fake Friends- Friends and even some family members that only pretend to care must remain behind as I go forward into the new year 2020. By “fake” I mean the ones that only pretend to care when they want something from me or think that I can or will do something for them. Otherwise, they never call, text message or come around. I deserve quality friends, and I have plenty of those that really truly care about me.
  4. Excuses- I’m leaving excuses behind me! I’ll no longer make excuses for my own feelings, opinions or decisions. I am who I am. I will not change. Hell, I don’t want to change. I like myself. I shouldn’t have to make excuses for how I feel just to make someone else feel better. So I will no longer allow someone to hurt my feelings and not stand up for myself.

New Year’s Promises to Myself

Now for the promises, I am making to myself in the new year 2020. Of course, some of them go along with the things I’m leaving behind in 2019.

Basically I want to improve my life, health, and happiness. Hopefully, this list of promises will help break things down into smaller goals.

These daily promises will keep me on track to a happier and more abundant life in 2020!

I promise myself:

  • to live for the moment each and every day! Carpe Diem!!
  • to seek happiness in everything I do each day.
  • to practice gratitude daily
  • to attend church regularly and get closer with God
  • to spend more quality time with family
  • to spend more quality time with my true, lifelong friends.
  • to speak up for me. to say no when I want to.
  • to save money
  • to take more trips with Aubrey! and the rest of the family.
  • to work on Family ancestry with Aubrey. this is important to her.
  • to plan a trip that requires me to get on an airplane. Face a few fears!

Those are the basic ones. There are probably a few others I’ll add to the list before New Year’s Eve and maybe even as we move into the new year. I’m constantly a work in progress!

Best wishes for the new year!

Love,

Shernie

December 26

Another Christmas past

Another Christmas past, more memories made, and it’s almost time to end this year.

Hopefully, the memories of this Christmas will be happy ones when the grandkids look back on the last few days.

Honestly, I’m glad it’s now December 26th and yet another Christmas has now past.

I always loved Christmas. As a child, it was always my favorite holiday. Of course, any child would probably say the same thing.

But not long into adulthood, I found myself looking forward each year to getting past another Christmas and starting a New Year.

The only things I’ve ever really wanted for my own children is for them to be happy, healthy and successful in life. I wanted them all to do better than I did in all things including relationships, happiness, and finances.

There are a lot of things I did wrong while raising my kids. I’ve admitted it and apologized to them all. I can’t go back and change any of it.

However, I always loved them and always tried to do the best I could at any given time in their lives. Yet my twins seem to not enjoy being around me much anymore.

Whenever I try to talk to them, they both swear to me there isn’t a problem between us. Promises of love and no unresolved grudges so they say.

But still, I have to beg them for any small amount of time with them. It’s like pulling teeth just to get conversations with them.

My son even promises to be at family events and holidays and then doesn’t show up. He sure never has a problem showing up at his dad’s and step-moms, even though he says his dad is the one he hates for things from his childhood.

This year, I’m done. I’m completely done with begging anyone to spend time with me. I’m so over trying to tip-toe around everyone else’s feelings while nobody cares about mine.

My oldest daughter speaks her mind to me, so does her husband. I never have to guess how they feel or where I stand with them. We spend as much time together as possible. And I don’t have to ask her for that time, she’s always asking me to come over or do things with them!

My psychologist says it’s because my oldest daughter is happy, secure and successful in her relationship/marriage. I totally agree she has a wonderful marriage and is very happy. But each of the twins seems happy with their own relationships, so I think their problem is with me.

Good luck to my psychologist figuring my family and my issues out! Great new goal for my new year… we will see how well my psychologist holds up to the task.

with love,

Shernie

December 19

Almost Christmas

It’s Almost Christmas!! Less than a week until Christmas Day! Are you ready?

At the moment I’m not ready! I’ve been sick all week. Fever, aches, and chills. Nausea and unable to eat. I must get over this before Christmas!

I plan on eating and enjoying my family on Christmas Day!

My sister-in-law is doing better. She has really improved! Thank God for our Christmas miracle this year!

Seems like someone is always sick and in the hospital during December every year!

Our family is relieved to see her improving, especially my brother! He was terrified this time. He feels she is all he has left.

Of course, he has me, my children and grandchildren, but other than us, they only have each other. We don’t have a large family left anymore.

It’s sad actually and makes the holidays difficult, even sad more than happy sometimes.

But we are all happy and excited this year. Robs was very sick last week and we were scared and very concerned.

Now we’re all glad to have her onery sarcastic self back to sassing us and telling us what she wants. She wants to get out of that hospital and go home to her own bed and shower!!! 🙂 haha

She also wants real food, not hospital food and wants physical therapy people to leave her the hell alone!!

Not unrealistic Christmas wishes in my opinion! I hope her wishes are granted this week!! Hopefully by today or tomorrow! Nothing would make me happier!

Christmas shopping is done for me! I have the gifts bought. Now I need to stop procrastinating and get them wrapped!

Not sure why, but every year I usually get the shopping done by early December, but it’s the wrapping that I put off until the last minute!

My daughters and I are putting together the grocery list for our family meal together.

I cannot wait to have us all together in one place. That is truly my greatest gift always!!! No matter the occasion, I simply love having all of my children and grandchildren together at once.

It’s unreal how hard it is to get everyone in one place at one time. Life is just too busy these days.

Christmas is almost here. Even though it’s a busy time and will be a busy week, in the end, I’ll have my family together.

Slow down, enjoy life, and most of all enjoy your family.

with love,

Shernie aka Momma

December 15

A stressful week

A stressful week! That is an understatement for this past week.

I have missed several days of posting in my journal. I simply haven’t known what I wanted to say or talk about.

My last post was about diabetes and my sister-in-love being in the hospital.

That is why it has been a stressful week! She wasn’t just in the hospital, she was ICU. She had extremely high blood sugars and was totally unresponsive.

Seeing my big brother so scared, worried and upset was almost more than I could handle.

He is my rock. He is always smiling, perky, yet calm. He handles whatever is thrown his way.

But not this week. He was terrified, and so was the rest of the family.

She showed classic signs of a stroke. Yet all tests proved that it was not a stroke.

She opened her eyes, seemed alert, but could not talk or use her hands. Things just weren’t right!

Slowly she started seeming more alert. By Thursday she was saying “yeah” or “no” to questions.

Then Friday when my daughter went to see her, she was sitting up in a chair talking in sentences! Saturday she was eating and using her hands.

Answered prayers! A true miracle as far as I’m concerned! Her blood sugars were over 1200 when she entered the hospital. With blood sugars that high, she honestly should have been completely comatose or even dead.

Now, only a week later we have her back almost to her old self and the doctors are talking about her coming home on Monday. We are so truly blessed.

Diabetes is a silent killer. Diabetes is no joke! Diabetes is a lifestyle. Once diagnosed with this dreadful disease you MUST comply! You must check your numbers and adjust your diet and daily life. It’s frustrating but you have to do it or you will die!

with love,

Shernie

December 11

Diabetes is a Silent Killer

Diabetes is a silent killer. It can kill slowly, one part of you at a time until it takes your life. Diabetes affects each major organ over time.

During my lifetime I have watched as diabetes has taken apart my family.

When I was only nine years old I watched my favorite aunt die from complications of diabetes. Only two years before that her baby was stillborn due to her diabetes.

Both of my maternal grandparents were diabetic, as well as a cousin that was diagnosed at the age of 3.

My cousin grew up as a diabetic but he had a leg amputated and went blind before he died at age 27. All due to diabetes.

My mom was diagnosed as an adult shortly before colon cancer took her life. My brother and I were both diagnosed as adults. I’ve been diabetic for 13 years now. I’m also in first stage kidney failure due to diabetes.

Both of my twins are now diabetic. My daughter was diagnosed at age 13 and her twin brother was diagnosed last year at age 32. My daughter now suffers from chronic pancreatitis due to diabetes.

Not only does diabetes silently kill by taking one organ at a time, but diabetes is taking my family, one member, at a time!

Last night I was informed that my brother’s wife (also a diabetic) is in ICU with blood sugar levels over 1200 (normal ranges are (70-110) and she is in renal failure. She’s also unresponsive.

They lost their only child to leukemia 12 years ago. My brother was diagnosed with eye cancer just a month ago. How much can my sweet brother handle? They have lost so much in life, yet deserve so much better.

Diabetes the silent killer has taken way too much from my family! I’m pissed off at diabetes! In fact, I’m furious with life at the moment.

It just isn’t fair!

with love,

Shernie

December 9

Privileges, Consequences, and Prejudices

Privileges, Consequences, and Prejudices seem to have become the only concerns of our society.

The younger generation of today is filled with young adults that have never been forced to face the consequences of their own actions.

Millennials as they are called, are an entire generation of privilege without consequences. They expect everything to be handed to them. They do not understand the principle of earning what they get.

One must earn everything they get! This does not mean just their paycheck!

Of course, you are entitled to your paycheck when you work for it. But also one must earn the respect of others. You must earn the right to vote by being a legal citizen of the USA. You must earn the right to free government assistance by being a legal citizen of the USA!

There are legal ways to come into our country and become a legal citizen. So if people want to come to our country then do it legally! Abide by our laws and earn their right to our government programs!!!

I am not prejudiced against foreigners coming to our country. I am, however, prejudiced against those that come and stay illegally just so they can get free assistance and live off our government!

Millennials, Liberals, and even Democrats have this unreal concept that elderly and disabled Americans are living off the government. That is simply not true.

Elderly and disabled Americans are drawing back money that they paid into Social Security for years!!! Yet, they only get back a portion of what they actually paid in.

Why do they only get back a portion of their money? Because the rest of it goes to support illegal immigrants who have never paid one penny into our government.

I don’t like talking about politics but I need to vent! First, just let me say that it does not matter if I support President Donald Trump or not. It doesn’t matter if I am a Democrat or a Republican.

What does matter is that these impeachment hearings have become nothing but a sham. These hearings are nothing short of a circus!

If President Trump committed an impeachable offense during his campaign then he should have never been sworn in to begin with!

However, all the investigations done were unable to provide proof of such offenses being committed. So he was sworn in as President.

Oh, but Democrats did not stop there! They were and continue to be sore losers. They cannot accept the fact that their candidate did not win the Presidential election in 2016.

The Presidential Office and President Trump himself has constantly been disrespected from day one of his presidency by the Democrats, Liberals, and the media.

Despite all this constant disrespect and hounding, not to mention continual investigation and witch hunts on President Trump, he has continued to do his job.

In my personal opinion, President Trump loves our great country. He has done more for our economy than any other president in many years.

I feel he is one of the greatest presidents of our country at least since President Ronald Reagan, if not longer.

And now I will end my rant and get off my personal soapbox.

Shernie

December 8

Forgiving myself

Forgiving myself is so much harder than it sounds. It’s something I am working on, but haven’t been able to do. Yet.

Whenever someone else apologizes to me and asks for my forgiveness, I normally find it easy to forgive them.

Especially if they explain in their apology that they did not intend to hurt me.

Perhaps even adding that they did not know at the time that it would be hurtful. Of course, I will forgive them.

Then why can’t I give myself that same courtesy? Why can’t I forgive myself for past mistakes?

Forgiving myself is so much harder than it sounds.  It's something I am working on, but haven't been able to do. Yet.  #forgiveyourself #forgiveness #selfawareness #selflove #selfcare #yolo

Why I’m unable to forgive myself

I made a lot of bad decisions in the past. Young and dumb is not really an adequate reason.

My decisions caused a lot of pain for other people. Especially my children. The very people I believed I’d never hurt. The three people I believe I’d easily give my life for.

Yet I made decisions that directly hurt them. I could not see how deeply I was hurting them at the time. Still not an excuse.

Although my decisions may have seemed selfish, I did not feel as if I was being selfish when I made those choices.

However, the initial decision to divorce their dad is not the most difficult thing for me to forgive myself for… no, it’s the choices after that.

Innocent lies to protect my children

Is it ever ok to lie to your children? We tell innocent little white lies to them consistently in their early childhood.

We falsely lead our young innocent children to believe in Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, and the tooth fairy. We don’t give those little lies a second thought.

Knowing our children will quickly grow up to understand we lied about those imaginary characters, we still play along with traditions.

So is it wrong to lie by omission or tell small lies to our children when we feel they are too young to understand the harsh truths of life?

Forgiving myself for the truth

When I divorced their dad it wasn’t plain and simple. I didn’t want a divorce, but I was so devastated and broken. He had cheated on me. I couldn’t mentally get past it.

However, after the divorce he didn’t just step out of my life, he didn’t stay involved with the kids. He didn’t come to see them or get them for visitations.

Their dad’s disappearance from their lives devastated the kids. They even felt it was their fault.

That just would not do! I could not have my children feeling that way. The small lies began. I defended that man in every way I possibly could. I built him up to be a much better man than he was.

I continually assured my children that he loved them as much as always. I told them he wanted to come and see them, and he would as soon as he possibly could.

In my own words, out of my own mouth, I professed to those kids how the divorce was all MY fault. That their dad didn’t want the divorce and I had hurt him so badly he just couldn’t come around me yet.

Pouring salt in the wound

Those lies continued, the kids grew older and eventually, their dad wanted back into their lives.

He returned with a new wife and daughter. The wife was the very woman he had originally cheated on me with.

My children started going to visit their dad and new step-mom. I suppose I should be glad they have their dad back in their lives.

But even now as my kids are grown and have known their step-mom for 18 years or more, it’s like pure acid over an open wound for me. Especially when they talk about what a wonderful “mom” she is to them.

Forgiving myself is so much harder than it sounds.  It's something I am working on, but haven't been able to do. Yet.  #forgiveyourself #forgiveness #selfawareness #selflove #selfcare #yolo

I was weak

Mostly I wish I could forgive myself for being weak. If I had been stronger, or perhaps not have loved him so deeply, then his first betrayal would not have destroyed me so completely.

Too many “ifs” to look back at now. But my weakness at that point is my true regret.

Had I not been so weak I could have fought for my family, for my kids, and my marriage.

Oh sure, if I hadn’t divorced him I may never have forced him to be faithful to me. However, if I hadn’t divorced him or set him free then at least my kids would have not had a broken home. Daddy would have still been coming home to them at night.

That’s why I have trouble forgiving myself. Not for what I lost, or what I may have done to their dad, but for all the hurt my children suffered because of their own parents.

Yet the blame actually belongs as much if not more on their dad and I’m the one that feels the guilt. He certainly doesn’t. He refuses to even apologize to his children for anything.

I honestly wonder what it’s like to live with a guilt-free conscience.

with love,

Shernie aka Momma

December 6

Too much sleep

Too much sleep! There was a time in my life when I couldn’t get enough sleep!

While working as a nurse I never seemed to get enough sleep. Being on-call 24/7 for 5 years straight I felt like I never slept.

But now it feels like all I do is sleep. 14-16 hours at a time! Maybe my body thinks it’s making up for all those lost hours lol

I don’t think it really works that way. The more accurate reason for all my sleeping is probably my anemia. And maybe even my blood sugar.

Yesterday my doctor called with some of my lab results. I have been diabetic for 12 years now. At one point my diabetes was totally uncontrolled.

When first diagnosed I was on oral meds and insulin. Then I lost weight and eventually got control of my diet. For several years now I’ve only been on oral meds and NO insulin.

Now, yesterday when the doctor called my labs showed that my A1c results are very low. The normal range for A1c is between 4-6. Ranges over 6 usually determine a diabetic diagnosis.

So the normal range of 4-6 is usually a non-diabetic person. A diabetic that can stay in that range or even just above 5 is very well controlled. My results yesterday were 4.8 which is very low.

That’s actually amazing for me being diabetic. But I can’t take credit for working at controlling it. No, it’s because for months now I haven’t been able to eat much.

Yeah, my stomach and digestion is a big hot mess. I stay nauseous and don’t have an appetite.

Due to that, I have lost weight, a lot of weight. I now weigh 137 pounds. I haven’t weighed that little since third grade. No lie or exaggeration.

The first week in January I go back to Dallas for yet another type of colonoscopy. Perhaps I’ll finally find out what is really going on in there.

Honestly, I am a little concerned. Ok, I’m worried and a little scared of what they will find.

Not just because one previous test has shown “abnormal findings” and not because I’m a nurse and know all the possibilities of what that means.

No, I’m worried because my mom died of colon cancer. Her brother died of stomach cancer. And yes I know all the symptoms and warning signs.

But also because all the women on the maternal side of my family have died before age 63. My Granny died at 63 and she was the oldest.

My mom died at 60 just a year after her diagnosis of colon cancer. I’m 58 now.

All of this doesn’t worry me because of some kind of premonition or superstition. It just seems to be a big part of my genetics.

Accepting one’s own immortality is part of life. I know that, but facing it is still a bit scary. I am just now starting to really find “me”.

I am only now starting to really enjoy my kids and grandkids. I have discovered weekend trips with my daughter’s family. I want more of that!

Today I promise myself to not worry so much. Don’t borrow trouble! I won’t worry about what hasn’t happened yet. I will plan future trips and fun things to do. I will spend more time with all of my family.

Seize the Day
Live for the moment!

With love,

Shernie

December 5

Setting goals

Setting goals is easy. It’s sticking to them and accomplishing them that I have the problem with.

Like journaling for example! I’ve kept journals off and on most of my life. Off and on being the key phrase. And kept would not be accurate either.

I wrote in journals when I’d think of something important I wanted to write down. Then I’d forget about writing in that journal for long periods of time.

Months, sometimes a year would pass so that it didn’t seem like a journal. It was more like a notebook with one or two random thoughts in it. So I’d trash it.

The closest I ever came to actually be consistent with any kind of journal was in high school. I wrote something significant on my calendar each day.

Significant to a teenage girl in high school. Meaning it was important to me at the time! ha-ha, I still have those calendars and it’s entertaining to read them now.

This time of year always makes me think of new goals for the new year.

Although I don’t just think of things I want to change. I try to think of goals I think I will stick to for more than a week.

I think I will make it further with this journal. I enjoy typing a lot more than writing with a pen and paper.

I hope one day all of my kids would want to read my journals. I’d like for them to know the things that I thought or did. The things that were important to me.

When and if they read it they have to remember to never take personal offense to any of it.

These are my thoughts of my life, me before and after being a parent. This is me when I’m not having to think about being a mom every minute of every day.

None of it changes how I love each of my children from the minute I knew I was pregnant with them and will love them always and forever.

with love,

Shernie

December 4

Feeling the “Feels”

Feeling the feels for real? When I write it that way it looks weird. But when I say it out loud it makes sense.

Think about that little phrase a moment. I was thinking about it this morning. I realize I don’t really allow myself the privilege of feeling my feels. At least not very often.

Feeling the Feels

What does that mean? Letting yourself feel what you feel. Really feeling your emotions.

Why can’t I simply feel what I feel? I can’t seem to allow myself to really feel my emotions without trying to validate or excuse them.

What I mean by that is that I tell myself why I shouldn’t feel what I do at the moment. I tell myself other people around me are right and I’m wrong. They have more right to be upset, angry, or whatever.

Entitled to my feels

But why should I think others are more entitled to their feelings than I am? I cannot answer that question. I wish I could.

For whatever reason, I do it often and it leaves me feeling empty. I hide my feelings. I lock them inside.

Hiding my feelings and locking them inside then causes me to feel as if other people do not understand me or don’t care about my feelings.

Those feelings are not valid. They cannot understand or care about my feelings when I don’t share them with anyone.

I’ve created my own little prison. Solitary confinement where most times I am not even feeling my own feels.

I need to practice more self-love.

with love,

Shernie